Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
