I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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