I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize