goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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