i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize