i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
