Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it's like heaven, but drunker
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
