Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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