i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
