i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
