Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
