So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
