Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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