you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
