with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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