Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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