it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
