i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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