Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize