I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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