my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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