his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
