i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
