Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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