my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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