WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
