woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
