I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
