cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
