my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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