If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
