im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
