We're like a lot better than the average bears
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize