So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
