i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We don't watch enough power rangers
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
