I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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