PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
