I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
