I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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