I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
