just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
