nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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