I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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