All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
