i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
