I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
