i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
