Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You are the jesus of drinking
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
