i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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