i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
