Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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