Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
