I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
