Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
