just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
