Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
