I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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