This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
