You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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