What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
