NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
