Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
