I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
