This is not my ceiling
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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