and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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