Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
